hephaestion2014's blog

So, at long last, I have got a Saturday off from work - and it coincides with a wrestling meet. What are the chances? It's extremely good luck.

So why are there these butterflies in my stomach? I'm not a group meet virgin. I've been to many before now and enjoyed myself. Always had a great time.

This has been a quiet year for me wrestling wise, but busy in other areas.
You know when sometimes in a match, you've got your opponent pinned to the mat, you're in charge, you're on top and unbeatable ... and then suddenly you've not been watching your arm positioning and you're being flipped over and fighting off the need to tap. No? Just me?

Well, that's kinda what my brain did to me this year. I had my attention so focused on other people and their health, I wasn't watching my own. And the black dog struck.

The funny thing is that not many people noticed at first. I'm good at hiding certain things. I'll happily deflect, obfuscate, joke and try to fake normality till the cows come home. If I'm clowning around and making you smile and laugh, then there's nothing wrong with me, right?

I'm really lucky that I have a fair few people I can reach out to, some who know well enough to call me out when they think I'm hiding when I'm struggling - and people who are just immense company that I can momentarily just enjoy forgetting about myself and live in that moment.

By the way, I'm not saying it's all been doom and gloom. Wearing black and crying at sunsets. That nothing has made me feel happy. I've had some great times with great people. But there has been a lot of dragging myself through the day, feeling so exhausted by every human interaction and consumed by my own thoughts that I've spent most of my free time lying in bed with the curtains drawn napping till it's time to go to bed. Being too tired to go to sleep but too shattered to have the energy to do anything else. Numbness.

If it hadnt been for my job and the routine and necessity of work, I'd never have got out from under the duvet. Sleep is the great retreat from the world. The gym which I've never enjoyed had become an impossible place to trek to, and would have been torture if I had. Even though I know it'd have helped me.

I've suspended my membership, avoided going to meets, dodged challenges, retreated from people and debated a lot about just deleting entirely. At first because i was busy with other people, but then it changed. Again, like the gym, attending meets and membership of this site has helped me a lot in the past. And being more of a part of it would've helped.

"But you don't belong here, you're not really a part of the site. People are just being polite. It's just pity and you were incredibly arrogant to think otherwise. Boring fat twunt. There's no laughing with you, only at you. Go on. Quit. No one will notice. Hephwho? Ego mate. Can't believe you thought otherwise."

Now I'm not compliment seeking or wanting validation. (I don't trust compliments anyway and only hear what isnt being said.) I'm aware that that's not the truth. Well not the full truth. It's just the place where my brain has been at, and struggling to come forwards from. Thats the negative thinking that has encompassed every area of my life.

And that's probably why I'm feeling nervous as a newbie about this upcoming meet. Plus, I look in the mirror and see the toll of all those days in bed and not going to the gym has took. I will correct that. Changing the body isn't necessarily easy, but it's not an insurmountable problem. Stamina and energy need boosting.

Plus I have really missed the regular wrestling. Yeah, I'm doomed to always come second in a match, but fuck it. Fuck it! Wrestling is fun. I've missed this site, and a lot of the people on it. I've some reconnecting and apologising for my absence to do to some.

There's a double edge to this blog. I've got my thoughts out. Kinda explained myself. Mainly to myself. I'm aware it shows my weakness and maybe some people may be put off or avoid me because I'm weak, or worried I might break down, burst into tears and start quoting Sylvia Plath.

I don't do public displays of emotion anyway. So you're safe there. I never shatter in front of an audience ;)

Also, i kinda wanted to get it all out in one go, so I don't have to keep talking about it. Explaining myself. It's out there. That's where I was at - and done. Off I move onto happier things. No need to worry, I'm genuinely fine now.

I'm feeling more robust.
Thanks to everyone on here who helped me and may not even know it.
That "Hey" helped.

And after I kick arse on the mat and the ring, I'll feel even better.

Next blog will be about victories not defeats.